Zombie Apocalypse Planning for Denver

I am sure you may have heard that the CDC released its’ Emergency Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse update on May 16th.

I only have one thing to say… It’s about frakkin’ time.  I mean REALLY!!! How long have we known that this great threat was right around the corner and been worried that no one was prepared. Okay, truth be told I’m just a huge nerd who loves the great zombie movies and the whole culture of it.  Yes, I also love Star Wars, Superheroes, and absolutely anything comedy oriented.  Thank Zeus I’m a good Telemark Skier who loves all outdoor activities or I’d have been totally dateless.

But I digress, back to emergency prepardness for the Zombie Apocalypse.  After you read the CDC’s tips on how to prepare for the walking dead attacking us I recommend you take it a step further and invest in Max Brooks book -  The Zombie Survival Guide.  The CDC does a basic cliff notes version.  Is that really all you want to read.

But it got me thinking… as a nerd would do, about what a Denver Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide might look like.  First and foremost we should assume that the Denver Zombies would be healthier and faster than Zombies of other cities.  Sure, we are one of the healthiest cities in the country but that just means that some of those ultramarathon runners that train up in Boulder are going to come back as super speedy zombies.  Of course it will be tough to catch those ultra marathon runners in the first place but you know that eventually even they will get tired running.  But according to the Trust for America’s Health Article “F as in Fat:  How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2010“  Colorado is the #1 state for the lowest obesity (19.1%).

If we lived in one of the top 10 most obese states we might not have to run so fast because most of the zombies are likely to be obese.  FYI the top 10 most obese states from that same study are…

1. Mississippi – 33.8%
2. Alabama – 31.6% (tie)
3. Tennessee -31.6% (tie)
4. West Virginia – 31.3%
5. Louisiana – 31.2%
6. Oklahoma – 30.6%
7. Kentucky – 30.5%
8. Arkansas – 30.1%
9. South Carolina – 29.9%
10. North Carolina and Michigan (tie) – 29.4%

So Denver, the good news is that you are probably in great shape to outrun the first wave of zombie attacks.  The bad news is that as more and more of your neighbors get bitten you may just find a slowly growing zombie track team on your tail.   Now if you happen to be a rock climber then it’s your lucky day.

What to do?  Here’s my recommendation.

First of all gauge the conditions.  If you see Zombies in high numbers running across Commons Park or dominating the 16th street mall you might want to look at how many groceries you have already.  If you are like me the fact that we have such great restaurants on every corner means that my pantry is almost bare.   That means you have some shopping to do.  You can always hit the grocery stores and stock up with whatever you can put in your car.  Yes, this is one instance when I recommend actually driving and not going by bike or scooter.  I love my Vespa but I really don’t want to be cornered by a mob of the living dead on it.  Not exactly a battle ready vehicle (but still better than being on foot).

Back to shopping.  If you live downtown (and this is a Downtown Denver Zombie Survival Guide) you should plan to get food from any grocery store or restaurant that you can find.  Too many zombies on the road… just visit the neighborhood bar and grab all the canned goods you can find.  For me that means whatever Zengo and McLaughlins might have in stock… and maybe some Wine from Little Raven Vineyards (we don’t have to suffer).  The second thing you really want to get if you can make it to REI is all the camping and outdoor gear you are missing to live without utilities.

Now let’s be honest.. most of us are probably already geared up to the max and don’t need to make this trip.  I know my love of hiking, camping, and outdoor concerts has given me an entire storage space filled with portable stoves, emergency kits, tents, cookware, solar powered chargers, and on and on and on.  The beauty of being a nerd who loves the outdoors is that this part of my Zombie survival kit is already stocked.  Another benefit of being a Colorado resident is that most of us are prepared.  This is another reason why we will live much longer than those folks from all those less active and less outdoor enjoying states (you know who you are).  But just in case you do live here in Denver and haven’t yet built up your outdoor arsenal… hit the REI when the Zombies come a knocking.

The final step in my plan would be the most important…. grab some seeds.  All kinds of seeds for crops and vegetables and other things you can grow.  Here is why…

The Zombie Apocalypse plan involves taking up residence in any of the high rise condo buildings… especially one with an outdoor pool.  The biggest mistake the zombie movies make is that they underestimate the value of a high rise.  If you are lucky you will have most of the building to yourself because for some reason everyone in the zombie movies/books goes to the mall or stays on the road.  Perfect.. you have an elevated fortress for you and your favorite friends.

Sure, you have to do some house cleaning and go door to door evicting any of the resident undead (out a window) but the benefits are great.  Here is the plan for any building like SPIRE, Glass House, Four Seasons, etc.

• You picked a high rise for a reason… anything with a ground floor will be infiltrated.  There is no way you can shore up a house.  But with a concrete building with steel doors you can steel off the stairwells and basically seal everything from the second floor and up (or third and up if you want to be more cautious.
• Remember that rock climbing equipment you already had or grabbed from REI.  That’s the only way in or out of your new home.  Attached to a balcony you and whomever you have in your survival team can belay in and out from higher floors.  I bet the zombies won’t be coordinated enough to belay.
• That pool and the amenity level up in the sky on floors 8 or 9 or higher will be your new garden space.  Just go from condo to condo and take all the potted plants and dump the soil in the pool and then start figuring out how to garden.   Most already have gardens ready for planting, fire pits, and all the basics for a survival retreat.  That’s right, your amenity levels just became community gardening plots.  Hope you have a green thumb.
• Fill up all the bathtubs with water on every floor until the water gets shut off.  Then create funnels from the balconies in to some storage to capture rainwater.    Don’t forget to check every condo for any food… you never know what goodies you might find.  In fact I’m sure almost every residence will have some wine and spirits, medical supplies, and more than enough furniture to have a few fires.
• If you can block off the garage doors entirely all those cars will give you plenty of fuel to get you started.  If you need to keep a vehicle (or 10) at the ready outside the building you can refuel from those in the garage for any supply runs.  If the zombie population seems slow and not too dense you might be able to get around by bicycle but I’ll leave that judgement call up to you.  I’m pretty zippy on a bike so I’ll keep that option open.
• I’ll leave weapons up to you but between golf clubs, tools, and whatever surprise weapons your neighbors might have I’m sure a condo to condo search will yield more than you expect.

And that’s all for part 1 of the Zombie Apocalypse.  Just wait until the zombie population get’s thinned out.   In some movies that is a few months or in others it’s years so plan ahead to live in your Downtown Denver high rise like an elevated fortress.

And yes, I am swamped with work over the past month so I wanted to take a little mental break with this nerd exercise.  Let’s hear your Downtown Denver survival guide ideas.

Photos taken from this past Denver Zombie Crawl 2010.

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